Pretending to listen….

You are at a lunch with a colleague and casually ask what kind of weekend they had. While half listening, you fail to notice they have just shared a serious health issue which came to light, and they have asked you a question in relation to it. The silence catches you off guard. You apologise and ask them to repeat the question.

Some variation of this scenario has happened to just about everyone. Sometimes we listen with only half an ear. Sometimes we may hear, but we do not really listen. Listening well is a skill and hard work. It requires focus and attention. It requires practice.

When others listen closely to you it is flattering. It tells you that they think what you have to say is important. They care about you.

When you are a good listener, people enjoy talking to you. They feel satisfied they have been heard. They feel safe. More importantly they feel they have been understood. When you are a good listener you hear the total message. You also hear (and often see) what is often not being said. Unfortunately, for many, listening is a skill they have failed to master. They confuse hearing with listening. The costs of this oversight can be significant – often very significant.

Great leaders have mastered the art of listening and combine it with the other tools in their communications toolkit.

Improving your listening skills…

Active listening

The prerequisite for improving your listening skills is wanting to, of course. Good listening is hard work. It requires intense concentration and mental activation. By far the most useful tool for improving listening is what Dr Thomas Gordon (1974) has labelled actively listening.

Active listening involves paraphrasing what you think the speaker said. It is especially useful when you are having an important, and perhaps complex or abstract conversation. In addition to paraphrasing, you need to ask questions for clarification. Active listening also involves the use of non-verbal communication to ask questions with looks of the eyes, tilts of the head, shoulder movements, gestures and shifts in body positions. Finally, active listening involves feedback to the speaker about what you understood from the message. This feedback should be clear, honest, immediate and it should be brief.

Other listening tools..

In addition to active listening, there are several other tools you can apply to improve your listening skills…

• Listen with empathy. Try to understand things from the speaker’s perspective.
• Listen with openness. Resist the urge to evaluate and judge while a message is being delivered.
• Prepare mentally to listen. Depending on the conversation, ensure you give yourself adequate preparation, so you are familiar with the subject or speaker.
• Practice improving your concentration.
• Judge the speaker based on the content of conversation not their appearance or reputation.
• Listen with your eyes by observing the body language of the speaker to determine congruency between what you see and what you hear.
• When possible, remove distractions in the environment. If this is not possible, exert even greater attentional control by narrowing your focus on the speaker.
• Learn to be silent. Use silence when appropriate. Do not be tempted to fill the void.
• Realise that people often tell you what they want you to hear.
• Be committed to becoming a better listener – and practice.

As one of the master human relations skills, effective listening is worth the time it takes to refine and polish. Having a reputation as a good listener multiplies the value of the information you receive. It enhances your reputation for courtesy and concern. These traits enhance your leadership and effectiveness.

So, if you struggle with listening effectively, and we all do at times, take one idea from these listening tools and apply it next time you can actively listen with a colleague or friend. You might both be surprised by the results!